Its not like a cut you can fix with a band-aid, it’s a process

The stigma around mental illness has become less and less over the years, their are so many more resources and people are actually open about it more than they have ever before, nobody looks at you like you’re crazy or automatically puts you into a mental asylum when you do open up about it! But their is still little pieces of stigma floating around everywhere. People don’t look at you like you’re crazy anymore, but most people are unsure of how to approach it. Which is understandable if you have never had to be put into a situation dealing with that certain circumstance. But if you or even a loved one is suffering, to fight it you have to learn about what it is. Not saying you have to go to college to become a psychiatrist but maybe you could actually go to a therapist and figure out what exactly the problem is. Once you figure out what the root of the problem is, you stem out and learn more about it by learning the triggers, the steps to calm down when it’s triggered, how to cope, how to teach loved ones to help you, etc. it’s not easy and it sadly doesn’t go away over night. It’s not about the pain in brings you though, it’s about the lessons it teaches you. You learn patience, compassion, empathy/sympathy, kindness, generosity, and you get to use all of this pain to inform others about your experience. We all don’t go through the same exact pain or the same exact journey for a reason, if we did we would never learn about anything except that one problem. I still have really bad moments and when I have bad moments I know I am hurting the people I love by pushing them away and isolating. It’s hard to come out when you have become so comfortable staying in. It’s only hurting you more though. It’s not easy dealing with a mental illness, it’s not suppose to be. Nothing is suppose to be easy and if it was then we wouldn’t be as strong or patient. Give love and give kindness. Keep moving forward, and continue using the tools you are being given because they help you from being in so much pain! Keep going ❤️

I had a breakthrough and now I have to start over

I had a breakthrough. A breakthrough with my anxiety and my depression. My brain switched and I felt like I could conquer it all. I felt no more anxiety and no more negative thoughts telling me I wasn't good enough. This went on for about several months and then I spiraled. I went into a black hole and the thoughts became more negative and more abstract in ways to tell me I wasn't good enough and try to convince that I was someone I was not. I was hysterical and although my breakdowns weren't happening as frequent, they would happen at the same level every single time. I didn't feel in control of my body or mind anymore. I felt like I was taken over by someone who wanted to be me. I will be honest, I haven't exactly been taking much care of my mental health except going to therapy every other week, and although it helps it's not a cure. Nothing will cure this but I can help prevent and I can become stronger by knowing and be aware of what is actually happening. It's hard to not believe the negative thoughts, but if you know in your heart of something to not be true, then it isn't true. It felt as if my mind is trying to find something else to worry or stress about. I did this to myself by just letting it happen and not trying to help myself, but I am aware now and I can help myself.

I am not perfect and I certainly had the biggest setback thus far in my recovery process and now I know that it's my mind telling me to slow down. My body is saying to chill out and realize what is actually in this moment right now. To know the beauty around me and to breathe every second of air I can get. Because life is short, it's too short to dwell and too short to not be grateful. I am stronger now, I am more aware, I know what I have to do now in order to take care of myself. For awhile I wasn't, I was worrying about too much and not enough about myself and my own well being. I wasn't eating healthy or eating enough, I was sleep deprived, I was stressed, I wasn't helping myself and it was unhealthy. I would let the negative thoughts be the thoughts that stuck around in my head until it built up and I spiraled. Yes I spiraled and I had the worst mental breakdown I've ever had and although trying to get through it was tough, I needed it. I needed to have a setback because I wasn't realizing soon enough the path I was headed down with making unhealthy decisions for my mental and physical health. I am able to use my tools more efficiently and practice using those tools to keep me from having a terrible anxiety attack again. I'm not my anxiety, it's just something I have to deal with. I am a good, beautiful, kind, and generous young woman who has so many dreams and ambitions of helping others in the future. Because I know what suffering in silence feels like, and I don't want anyone else to feel alone going through that. I'm human and I have rough patches. I'm strong and I was able to fight this and punch it out. Tomorrow's a new day, a better day at that. Keep fighting!❤️ I know you can do it!

Overcoming anxiety everyday of my life

I have always loved to write and when I got to high school and they wanted us to write more narratives I was so happy because during that time I was going through the darkest part of my life. I was struggling with anxiety and depression and learning how to cope and on my way towards recovery. It was a story and it was MY story. It was a way for me to actually express what I was going through because sometimes talking just wouldn't cut it for me. I was able to actually think about what I was experiencing and just write it on paper and everything would flow out like a river.

I was a sophomore and we had to do a book project where we took a published book and wrote in whatever we wanted to write in it. I saw an opportunity to express what I had been going through the past 2 years and it made me feel so in touch with my situation. I took journal entires I had written in the previous months and I wrote those in and talked about the thoughts of suicide I had in the past and how I have been able to overcome and become the person I was in that point of time. By the end of me presenting the project and reading what I wrote in my book my teacher came up and hugged me and told me, "I am always here if you need anything." I conquered my fear of telling my story and from that point on all I wanted to do was talk about my mental illness and my experience with it.

I have always been a shy kid. It was hard for me to talk to people ever since I was little and once I got older and I got to middle school I started going through puberty and my fear of talking and communicating with others got worse. My behavior at home would be irrational and I would throw fits because I didn't want to ever go to school and I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't communicate why and it would just keep getting worse and worse. I got to high school and the sadness I felt was intensified and I never wanted to go to school and I had multiple breakdowns and panic attacks and still no answer of what I was actually experiencing. My mom talked to my pediatrician about it and he recommended us to a therapist down the street from his practice. We went and met with her and got a feel for what exactly therapy would be like and she was so humble and very soft and kind. You could tell all she wanted to do was help me and try to figure out what we could do to solve our problem. I started going once a week and I have been going to her now for almost 3 years and I have had nothing but growth from doing it.

Finding your passion

I watched a video yesterday of Steve Harvey, the host of the game show "Family Feud," and he was speaking to the audience after the show was done filming and he was telling them how to find their gift. And it was really interesting because he told them if you wanted to find your gift or if you wanted to find your passion there was one thing that you had to do and that was, jump. You have to jump at the first opportunity that comes to you that you know feels right and it's delivered right to you as if it's waiting for you to grab it. This really spoke to me because I have been looking for that. I have been looking for my passion and for my gift but it's crazy because it's been in front of me all along. There's been opportunity after opportunity for me and I just haven't opened my eyes long enough to realize I need to jump because it's right in the palm of my hands. All I have to do is jump. It's the hardest thing to do but once you do it, you start to fly.

He [Steve Harvey] also went on to say how once you jump, you're gonna get some scrapes and you're gonna get hurt and banged up and it's gonna be tough but once you get through that tough part you're free and it's all uphill from there. The metaphor is quite brilliant but also so simple. You jump you fall and then you start to fly, like when a baby bird first starts to learn how to fly. They just jump and go for it because of instinct and they fall and they get hurt but then they get up again and keep going because birds fly, that's their gift and they won't give up on it.

It's okay to take a step back and take a breath but never stop pushing yourself to try and find what truly makes you whole and happy. You have to find that within yourself. Dealing with anxiety on top of it makes it so much harder but not impossible. I've let so many opportunities slip away because of a little though that caused so much fear when I know deep down that fear won't come true and I know that once I got through the scary situation I would be okay. Take the leap. Just jump!

Breathe

I can feel the tightness in my chest growing and growing and it’s not because I’m having a heart attack but it’s because my anxiety is so bad that it makes it seem as if I can’t breathe. It makes it seem as if I can’t move or can’t think or can’t just do the most vital movement to live and that’s breathing. Moving your chest up and down and bringing air through your nose and out your mouth feels nearly impossible. But it’s not. 

When an anxiety attack happens you can’t do anything except let it happen. If you don’t then it gets even worse. To get through it you have to try and focus on your breathing as much as you can so you don’t hyperventilate and pass out. Sometimes it’s just uncontrollable crying but after a panic/anxiety attack happens you will feel better because it’s done. You dealt with it and it ended. The feeling has passed and you won the battle once again. The repercussions of it though is that you don’t have any energy. You feel like a blob and you feel burnt out and that’s normal. Take that time to rest and renergize yourself and to do self-care. 

Anxiety attacks are ineveitable but as long as you recognize what’s happening and you try to work your tools and use your knowledge, then you are able to get through it more aware. 

Coping

  It’s no surprise that bad things happen to people in life. It’s just the way it goes, it gives people growth. The hardest part about dealing with the bad things that are given to us is the coping. The “living with it,” “dealing with it” portion of the process. Whether it’s a break-up, death, or even a plain ole mental illness, we have to cope with these things. 

  

    Being able to cope with the bad things that happen to us is tough, and it takes time to heal from it. I have fears that are triggered and I don’t know why they trigger. They just pop up and I have to learn to cope with it and be able to reassure myself that they aren’t real and that it’s just in my head. That it’s not going to happen again or it might not ever happen. 

  Some tips I reccomend for people who are trying to cope:

•Don’t be afraid to talk to someone. Whether it’s a therapist, a friend, a family member, talk to someone that you trust about what’s going on. Sometimes all we need is to pour out how we feel and just have someone listen and hold us. 

•Don’t just distract yourself because you don’t wanna deal with it. Go through the motions and let what’s happening happen, and keep telling yourself that you can get through it. Find something that helps you get through it, a friend, a toy, something that won’t mask the pain but helps you overcome it. 

Tips for people helping others cope:

•Be patient. Patience is the key to helping someone in need and if you get angry with them it will only make them feel worse. Find that strength of comfort and love. 

•Make them one of your top priorities but don’t forget to take days to yourself to renegerize. Don’t forget to take care of your wellbeing. 
  Healing takes time. It takes effort and work and it will only get better. It’s about how you deal with things when they happen, not the bad things themselves. You are capable of doing so much and being able to find your strength is hard in times of trouble, but it’s not impossible. 

It’s really hard

When you feel like you could explode at any given moment with everything you have to keep inside of your head because you don’t wanna scare or worry anybody. 

When you have to isolate yourself and be alone because you don’t want to bother anybody again with what you’re feeling because you think they’re just gonna get annoyed and be impatient. 

When you have fought so hard to not let these thoughts contradict or effect your life in anyway but some how they just come fighting back and take over everything about you. 

When you have to keep saying, “I’m fine” even when you know it’s not and people just wanna help but you push away because you are letting the very fear of vulnerability control you. 

When you have so much ambition and no motivation what so ever and so it makes you feel like and even bigger loser and people just think you’re lazy and all you wanna tell them is that it’s not you. 

When you feel like you’re going insane by the second and think everyone around you also thinks you’re crazy and so you keep rambling and you keep letting the fear build up. 

When you feel like it’s never going to stop. When you feel as if this will never go away and all you wanna do is just close your eyes and sleep because then you don’t have to deal with it or think about it. 

It’s really hard dealing with depression and anxiety and also trying to live your life. I know it’s not impossible, nothing is. But it’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s limiting. It’s defeating. I’m tired. And that’s okay. 

A setback

I’m going through the motions trying to figure out why I feel this and why I feel that. Why am I going through this again…I thought I was done with it. But then I realize, setbacks happen. Recovery is a process and change doesn’t happen over night. Change doesn’t happen unless you want it to, and I’ve wanted change to happen for a long time and I have worked so hard to get where I am and I will not have a setback stop me from achieveing my goal which is to keep fighting and to never give up. Even when I feel like giving up I know I can’t because I have so much going for me. I feel exhausted and powerless. I feel isolated and small. I am depressed. I don’t know why and I just hope it’s the hormones in my body that are causing it because I don’t wanna go back. I don’t wanna be in that dark place where I feel alone and cold. Where I feel nothing yet everything at once. I can’t go back, I won’t go back. I have depression, but it’s not who I am. 

Just deal with it

 
  Life throws so many curve balls and so many rocks at you that you think you’re never going to make it through. They just keep coming and coming and coming and it feels as if it’s never going to stop. It feels like it’s never going to end and that you’re never going to be happy. That’s how you learn and grow though, by getting through it. Life isn’t about being happy all the time it’s about how you deal with it and how you make of it. How you take from it. 

  When I was 15 years old I started going to therapy and I started learning how to deal with my anxiety and depression. I was learning why I had these thoughts and how to deal with them when they happened. I was learning that they were just thoughts and that they didn’t mean anything and all they brought me was negativity and unhappiness. Instead of listening to them and hating myself, I started to deal with it and take it as a learning technique. I started to take thoughts like, “you aren’t good enough” and started telling myself, “you ARE good enough and you know it. Just look at the things you have around you.” I started counting my blessings and accepting what I had instead of wishing for what I didn’t have. It wasn’t easy and it still isn’t. I still deal with these thoughts almost everyday but I just deal with it and use my knowledge from what I’ve learned and continue learning from it. Because I AM good enough, and so are you. 

  Some tips I recommend is just keep looking for what you love. Pay attention to the things that actually make you somewhat happy, and don’t let the depression talk you out of doing it. Spend the some what energy you feel like you have at looking for what you love because that’s what will begin to bring happiness to you. 

  BREATHE. BREATHE. BREATHE. The hardest thing to do when having an anxiety attack is to breathe. But, if you focus on your breathing it will begin to bring you back to reality and you can punch the anxious thoughts out! 

  Don’t be afraid to call or text your loved ones. I personally prefer to text because when I talk it takes me time to get the thoughts out of my mouth but when I write or type I am able to organize my thoughts better. Find what helps you the most and don’t be afraid to ask for the help you want/need.

  You can do whatever you put your mind to and that includes fighting the good fight. 

Learning to love myself

It’s a process. That’s all life is is a process. You take your own journey to fulfil a purpose that you’re supposedly given the day you are born by some type of unknown and invisible being from up above. So that’s what some parents tell their kids, that’s faith. I have learned to form my own opinions and beliefs and although I believe there may be somewhere we go after we die, it’s hard to believe it if I don’t see it. This faith I have is something I’m trying to form from within myself and for myself. Why do we teach children to believe in something nobody has actually ever see, more than for them to believe in themselves? Why do we believe in other people more than we believe in ourselves? Why is self-love such a long process? These are questions I ask myself all the time and they always stay unanswered. You see, in society, we are taught to believe that everyone is competition. We are taught that there’s no way for us to be the best unless we are trying to be better than someone else. Make sure our vacation is better. Our family is better. Our career is better. Our lifestyle is better. Our hobbies are better. Everything in our day-to-day lives HAS to be better than someone else. This is something we are taught to believe and then once you get older, you realize [hopefully] at some point that that’s just not true. That you are and have always been in competition with yourself. Trying to be better than who we were yesterday, or a week ago or a year ago or a decade ago. We are always trying to be a better version of who we are. Everyone is on a different journey and everyone has different biology and that makes no one person the same as the next. It makes each and every person unique in some way and that’s where self-love comes into play. Throughout high school I tried to find my “people.” I tried to find the group that I fit in with and that understands me and are just like me. But, that’s not even a realistic expectation if we are biologically and pschyologically different right? One new thing I’ve learned is that if you are just who you are, then people the right people will come into your life. If you try too hard to be someone else or be exactly like someone else you’re just hurting yourself and setting yourself back even more than truly moving on in your journey of life. My process, my focus is to love myself more than I did yesterday. More than I did a year ago. More than I will tomorrow or in 30 years. Life is about learning and soaking in what experience you go through whether good or bad and taking that and incorporating it into the next step of your process. Whether you are working on a career path, a family, love, marriage, whatever the case may be, you learn. You fight. And you move on. I still don’t love myself completely and I have recognized that and it’s time to take the next step in my process and to bring back the focus to me. To find what I like and what I don’t like. To say no more. To say what I mean and mean what I say. To communicate better. To look at myself and find who I truly am and discover why I am so unique and different from everyone else. I don’t know what the next step will be but I am excited to find out because I am ready to learn and I am ready to conquer. I am ready to continue onto my path of loving myself. I hope you continue your process and realize how unique and special you really are to this world and how important you are.